What I Wish I'd Known Before Sending My Kids to College

I’ve been sending my kids off to college for a few years now, and I’ve learned that it does get easier, but it also changes. The college transition for parents is a real and valid grief. We don’t often think to take meals to our friends who are sending kids off to college, but honestly, it really would help.

We live in a college town, so our college experience with our first two children wasn’t as dramatic. I was given the chance to ease into my big goodbyes, but it’s still really hard.

Last year, when we said goodbye to our youngest in her freshman dorm room across the state, I imagined I would fall apart. I couldn’t imagine the goodbye, but it went really well. We spent the day before setting up her room and then we stayed at a hotel near campus just in case we needed to do anything the next day. We had breakfast, hung a few things on her walls, and helped with getting her computer connected. When it was time to go, I could tell she was ready, which really helped me. 

As I reflect back on my experience, I realize the most difficult aspect was her college orientation. During the entire time, Ikept thinking about what it was going to be like to leave her in a few weeks and the tears flowed. This is where the anticipation can really be a killer. It turned out that my daughter had a great first year, even with its challenges.

In May, our oldest son moved from our town to another state for his first post-college job. He was thrilled to get the job he really wanted (it took a while), but moving him and helping him get settled was a big adjustment for all of us. Most of all, we miss his presence. 

Soon, for the first time, our nest will be more empty than full. Two will be living away by the end of August. Melissa, who works for TakeThem a Meal, used the term “open nest” when I had lunch with her last year and I’ve really clung to that phrase. 

The truth is that transitioning our children into adulthood is hard. Whether it’s your first, last, or anything in between, it changes how your family unit functions and your days look different. 

I’m not an expert in any sense, but this is what I’ve learned along the way as a mom of college students. Sending a child to college does involve grieving for many of us. Be gentle to yourself. Talk to yourself like you would encourage a friend. You did your job and got this precious being ready for their next step, but your role is different. It’s hard. They go from full dependence to independence, which leaves us in their cheering section instead of directing.

Finding a time to meet a friend who has been there, or one going through the same transition, can be a blessing as you walk through this season. Knowing you are not alone helps.

The first time your student is sick can be hard on the both of you. The Student Health Center can be so helpful when you can’t be there to feel their forehead. In the moment you might not remember it’s available, but access is usually very easy and appointments can be made online.

Sending care packages helps you as much as it supports them.  I would collect a small box of items and mail it monthly. Cards are inexpensive to mail and can hold stickers, photos, and gift cards for places close to campus. In my care packages, I would send little decor items for the upcoming season, desk items, or general supplies. When I missed my daughter, I would enjoy thinking about, or looking for a little something that I could send. It really helped me.  

One thing I also found helpful during this transition was keeping my expectations low as far as communication. It can be disappointing when you don’t hear from them, but this can also cause unnecessary distress. Something I have found helpful is to communicate ahead of time that you would love to hear from them once a week, etc., but no pressure. In my experience, less pressure from me results in better communication. 

The holidays come quickly. Set aside the time when you can be together, as they will want time to see friends as well.

During graduation season, Kelli Corrigan sent out a beautiful speech she delivered. After reading it, I immediately saved her words to my inbox. In this case, she was addressing the graduates, but as a parent, I felt her words deeply.

“So… you were little and then, at some point you came into consciousness and looked over and there we were: the tall people cutting apples the way you liked them. You have never known a world where we were not.

But for us, we were just regular people and then you came and changed the whole thing. We could win the $89 million-dollar California Super Lotto tonight and you would still be the biggest thing that ever happened to us. We love you more than you have yet loved anything.

So yeah, maybe we want to stare at that face a little longer, hang on to that body that we once carried, take one more family photo. Be patient with us. This is hard.

And please take very good care of yourself.”

Kelli describes exactly why the college transition is hard. No matter what your child’s story looks like, when they gain a new level of independence, we have to adjust. 

There are definitely things that I miss, but I didn’t know how much I would enjoy the surprise phone call on a Tuesday, to tell me how she did on a test, or the funny college photo that got the family text chain going. I also didn’t realize how much I would enjoy the holidays when we were all home together without the pressures of work or school. In many ways our relationship is deeper because they see me and my husband as friends who also navigated young adulthood.

These big family transitions are the times we need to watch out for each other. Check on your friends. Take them coffee. Invite them to lunch. Drop off a meal. When my friends would ask how I was doing with my daughter leaving I would reply, “I’m excited for her and sad for me, but I know we’ll both be okay. I’ll be here when she needs me.”

Warmly,
Adina

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