How to Care for Yourself After a Sudden Loss

When my dad died sooner than we expected, I didn’t anticipate how disoriented I would feel. I was focused on making sure my family had what they needed and that my young children were grieving well. Days felt like they crept along and every decision felt big. Everything took more energy than usual.

My husband was a steady support and helped put a buffer around me, allowing me to narrow my focus to myself and our kids for a while. Looking back, that protection mattered more than I realized at the time.

The encouragement I often share is this: The first week can feel especially hard. Be gentle with yourself knowing it’s completely normal to focus on caring for yourself in the ways that feel right to you. You get to decide what that looks like. It’s not a time to worry about the expectations of others. You can hold onto the hope that while the loss remains, the physical heaviness of these first few days slowly shifts with time.

Here are some things I learned about caring for yourself after an unexpected loss:

1. The first week will feel impossible, but you will get through it.
Take one day at a time. Focus only on what encourages and supports you and your family. 

2. Set reminders to eat and drink.
Try setting phone reminders for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Even a little food and hydration helps support a grieving body and mind.

3. Do small things that fill your cup.
Go for a walk or hike. Read. Drink calming tea. Take a warm shower or bath. Wrap up in a cozy blanket. Use a lavender room spray. Listen to music that comforts you.

4. Allow friends to help with meals.
Let someone set up a meal schedule or meal train. When people ask how they can help, you can simply share the link. Having food show up at your door makes it easier to eat, and friends understand if you’re not up for visitors. You can leave a note asking for the meal to be left outside.

5. Keep a running list on your phone of tasks you could use help with.

Some things I have found helpful to include are securing clothes for the service, writing the obituary, food for after the service, pet care, etc. When someone asks how they can help, you can share the list without having to think in the moment. You can even put a trusted friend in charge of the list.

6. You don’t have to answer calls or texts right away, or at all.
Respond on your own timeline. Everyone understands.

7. Remember that people truly want to help.
It’s more than okay to say yes. Think of how meaningful it feels when you are able to help someone in a tangible way.

8. There’s no rush to go through your loved one’s  things.
You can do this on your own timeline, when you feel ready.

9. Give yourself permission to grieve at your own pace.
There is no correct timeline. A grief counselor can be a helpful support. Someone will always think you moved too fast or too slowly, but none of that matters. What matters is that you move at your pace.

Little by little, you learn to carry the loss, but give yourself time. We’re here to support you as you care for yourself and your loved one.

Warmly,
Adina